It’s been more than two years since the last time I wrote in my blog. These past two years have been filled with countless emotions and an immense need to face them all—to experience the rebirth in light, love, and acceptance I just went through with Ayahuasca.
It’s been 21 years since my oldest child, Emir, was born, and already 18 since Yaya joined our family. I’ve always believed that my children came into my life to show me the best version of myself. It was while holding their hands—and in the name of God—that I entered my Ayahuasca ceremony in July of 2025.
Besides a plant, what’s Ayahuasca?
According to the Ayahuasca Foundation, while scientists might describe Ayahuasca as a DMT experience activated by MAO inhibitors, Amazonian cultures hold a more complex view, seeing it as a spiritual encounter guided by the Ayahuasca plant and the wisdom of other plant spirits. Unlike typical substances, Ayahuasca interacts dynamically with the participant, the healer’s intention, and the spirit world.
What’s the effect of Ayahuasca on people?
This is where you find yourself when you begin considering Ayahuasca. Like most people, I started Googling and asking AI about its potential effects. I read tons of stories and learned of many different experiences—yet mine was so incredibly unique and personal that instead of trying to label it for others, I want to share why I’m so happy and satisfied with my encounter with myself through Ayahuasca.
As I shared at the beginning, two years ago I faced one of the most difficult realities of my life: I saw myself for the first time. That moment came when I realized my children were no longer little—and didn’t need me the way they used to. I lost the illusion of control and saw clearly how, for nearly two decades, I had lived through them, pushing aside my own feelings and identity. I woke up to the realization that I had lost myself in the most sacred and beautiful mission of my life: motherhood. And so, I leapt from the pain of my unhealed wounds as a child and young woman into the glory of being a mother—feeling loved, embraced, and fully accepted for the first time. But deep down, my inner child was still hurting, abandoned in her own pain, still looking for answers the adult me had deemed unnecessary.
Two years ago, I realized that without my children, I was still the sad, beaten, abused, and deeply wounded little girl who had to become an adult too soon to fill the shoes of her sick mother. I was still the small person who never got the chance to live freely, because she was too busy trying to figure out how to survive alongside her younger brother when the day would come and her mother—stricken with cancer—would die. Living inside me was the anger of never having a choice but to be strong. All I wanted was to cry and be held. I carried the version of me that had moved on, but never truly forgiven the judgment, the attacks, and the neglect the world inflicted on me and my brother by looking away or not fighting for us enough.
My healing didn’t begin with Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca crowned a healing journey that started nearly two years ago—with therapy, and the use of antidepressants to help me face my demons for the first time. Probably the most confusing and painful part was EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), a structured treatment developed for trauma and PTSD. Though not hypnosis, EMDR allows a kind of regression by building memory chains that lead back to the “touchstone memory”—the earliest, most disturbing event that laid the foundation for current symptoms.
Put simply, I went through a year of personal hell—by choice. I faced my most irrational fears by allowing my brain to remember, suffer, and process the moments my subconscious had long buried to protect me. I cried for days, for months. Everything and everyone around me felt broken and confusing—because I had broken myself down to rebuild. I dismantled my identity to start again, for the first time, on a foundation of self-love, compassion, and truth. I did what many do when nothing else works: I surrendered to a higher force and asked God to take over—whatever it took to bring me to this moment of love and peace. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can breathe after living in a beautiful but confining cage that held joy, yet didn’t allow freedom.
My decision to receive the sacred gift of Ayahuasca came when I had no more tears to give, and I felt the breaking was complete. It was time to gather the pieces, rebuild, and be reborn. I entered the ceremony holding God’s hand. My journey was the most beautiful, transformative, and fascinating experience I could imagine. It was full of magic, love, joy, and gratitude—everything I’ve always longed for and knew I deserved.
I entered the ceremony carrying painful memories, holding a grudge deep in my soul. Ayahuasca revealed a side my human self had never seen but my spiritual self could recognize and embrace. It showed me the tenderness of my grandmother and the hidden love behind my mother’s pain. It revealed the meaning behind the memories that had filled me with shame and sorrow—to remind me that I was once a lonely, vulnerable child searching for love without guidance. Not because I wasn’t loved, but because the circumstances didn’t allow me to feel that love without a dose of pain and uncertainty.
Ayahuasca brought me face to face with my lineage—with love buried in suffering, faith hidden behind survival, and hope that one day I could truly experience love. All I ever wanted was to relieve the pain of loss and never again let go of those taken from me before I had the ability to fight, understand, or process that unjust—but inevitable—fate.
If fate is fixed, why fight? Why choose rebirth through Ayahuasca?
Love.
Love is the answer. I cannot change the past. I cannot erase the pain or all the times I was hurt and abused. But since my children were born, I’ve been learning a lesson: to live in the present. The challenge was to apply that lesson to myself—to accept that healing their present wouldn’t heal my past. So, love became the force behind my need to go back and do the work—for me. Because pretending that doing it for others was enough would never save me from facing the truth.
Ayahuasca was the pat on the back, the loving smile of my mother, the hug of my grandmother, the warmth and presence of my children holding my hands as I walked unfamiliar paths—and the divine light of God guiding and protecting me throughout. I came back more flawed, more human, more whole. I returned with humility and full acceptance of my past. I can see and admit every step, and feel love, respect, and compassion for myself.
I’ve made peace with the physical experiences that wounded my soul. When I close my eyes, I see the wounds transforming into scars. I know they’ll never vanish. They are part of my story—both human and spiritual. But they’re no longer bleeding. They’re healing. They’re smiling. They’re becoming wisdom. And their time to hurt me—or others—is over.
Today, I cooked escabeche de patitas de cerdo for Emir and Yaya. Pig feet escabeche is a very traditional dish from Santa Cruz, Bolivia—my hometown. I’d never made it before, but after the Ayahuasca ceremony, I felt called to. I think the last time I had escabeche was in my teenage years. Somehow, I walked into my local grocery store and saw pig feet. I bought them and let my spirit guide me. I warned the kids I wasn’t sure how it would turn out—but once it was done, I took a bite, and the memories came flooding back.
I felt the presence of my grandma and mom. I was back in time—my mom cooking escabeche with my abuelita, me watching eagerly. We sat around a humble kitchen table covered with a colorful tablecloth made of cloth scraps. The windows were open, and I was filled with joy when they placed the dish in front of me. I tasted the love, the warmth, the hope, the unspoken I love yous. Even though I don’t remember them ever saying it, I hold undeniable memories of love—to the fullest extent they were able to give, despite their pain and limitations.
In love and gratitude—because I broke the cycle. I learned to love and to express love. And I’ve already declared that from now on, love can only grow bigger and better.
Amen. So be it. Aho.
- Coronada por la Ayahuasca, Sanada por el Amor - July 31, 2025
- Crowned by Ayahuasca, Healed by Love - July 31, 2025
- Criando Hijos con Discapacidades: Para Aprender, Primero Debes Desaprender. - May 13, 2024
Gracias Eliana por compartir tan hermoso testimonio. Siempre he sentido curiosidad de hacer ayahuasca pero también temor de no saber que me voy a encontrar o destapar. Gracias continuaré en mi camino de crecimiento y descubrir si esa experiencia es para mi.